It's really silly for me to be at work today.

Scout was finally finished yesterday. I've now shipped two legacy product releases
in 2 months and 2 weeks. I had a nightmare last night about dad. I'm wondering if
I didn't really process his death. I had to just keep going so I could pay off my
student loans, be employed, take care of myself because he wouldn't be there.
Well, here I am.

I'm exhausted. I'm only at this desk because I feel weird about asking for time
off due to emotional exhaustion. Programming doesn't seem fun lately. The company
wants to give me something to work on that I'll enjoy now that the legacy stuff
is done. I can't think of what that would be.

I want to be outside in the sun. I want to fly to Indiana and hug Burke and go
sailing. I want to hang out at mom's without worrying about bills or what I have
to get done. And really listen to her, really be present. I want to feel the
tension in my shoulders and neck go away. I want to take the dogs on a long walk
and not feel like I have to run or rush. I want to finish unpacking my books and
actually read some of the ones about algorithms or compilers that I've put off
for so long.

I don't know what Dad really wanted and I'm sure there was nothing I could do to
save him. But I've got another few years until I'm 30 and I'd really like to not
be exhausted when I get there. I'd like to feel creative, I'd like to be charged
up. It's okay if I don't have it all figured out, I just want to grow.