## Sun, August the 7th - 7:38pm

A nice day for the most part. Norma and I met up with some friends for brunch and everyone
came back here after. My best friend Max was with us and after a bit Max and I went off to
play smash brothers as we often do. Started off playing Marth and looked decent but lost my
groove and started getting frustrated so I switched to Sheik. Won solidly two games and went
Falco, stayed that rest of afternoon, close, tense but fun games. Max left around 4.

Went to grocery at 6:00 or so. Had come up with a list of things to do next weekend and couldn't
seem to stop thinking negative thoughts while ticking items off the list. Everything from
"don't waste money on that stupid" to "surely there's some more stuff we need". Just fussy.

Thinking about it on the way home, I was being hard on myself for being *out of time* and
not having done enough this weekend. It was my birthday weekend and I had fun practicing with
the modular and improved a bit but I have all these lofty programming/blogging/producing goals
that I *didn't* spend time on. (Of course I didn't, it was my birthday and I was enjoying life!)
But I was tense on some inner level that I had spent the whole weekend, had no time for difficult
things and would never get around to improving myself, I suppose.

There just wasn't time for those blog posts comparing where I was in 2006 vs 2016 or
talking about mentality in Smash/Ping Pong, offense/defense/neutral, etc.
Not to mention the coding projects...

## Mon, August the 8th - 11:39pm

I should feel great. I did everything well today.

Beat Terry in a best of 3 ping pong set. Took Dom to 18-point
even though he wasn't using his dominant hand. Helped a bunch
of groups get their final projects off the ground, played smash
well with Max and Ben and didn't get salty, worked through some
Ocaml lessons (easy but I got off my ass and did it). Handled
dishes when Norma got home, put the license plate on my car.

But I'm tossing and turning in bed thinking about how:
1) Norma doesn't seem *excited* to be with me. Lately I don't feel like I'm what she really wants.
   I'm bothered that she *hates* smash which has been a main hobby of mine. I feel like the things
   I enjoy are consistent inconveniences to her. I feel like I can't do a good enough job supporting
   her being in a queer space and pursuing things she *actually* cares about. Am I holding her back?
2) I should've written more code, started a blog post, watched a lecture. Actually learned something?
   I'm not really sure that I'm *improving* myself. I don't want to go back to school but Jesus...
   I'm not learning *new* ideas in the programming sphere.
3) I still have a giant glass jaw in life. If I'm trying hard and I fail, I go crazy.
   Especially when someone I care about is involved. I don't even know that real failure
   is involved, maybe just not winning, not being recognized for doing good things.
   It's pretty weak to need that constant reassurance and affirmation.

## Tue, August the 9th - 10:37am

Had a good conversation with Norma before leaving for work today.
(Not great timing admittedly but we're having company tonight, had company last night, etc.)

I'm a catastrophizer. If I'm made aware of a small problem in the wrong moment it will
become systemic in my mind, cloud my vision.

I'm also not great at figuring out what *my* needs are on some level. I think lately
I've been less sure-footed in my relationship with Norma because I've been too wrapped
up in stressful life changes and less able to feel like I'm making her happy. Also,
I've forgotten she's generally an introvert and a depressive which can work against my
needs a bit at times.

I probably *need* regular reassurance that I'm being a good partner, that the person
I'm with is fulfilled and having their needs met, and so on. I wish I didn't.

Sidenote: My feelings don't actually matter _this_ much, they just rule me sometimes.
And I was raised to regard them with too much significance. They're just chemical states.